My first ayahuasca experience (Inner Mastery retreat in Switzerland)
Hi, I’m Eva. I went on an Ayahuasca retreat with Inner Mastery organization, and I would like to share my incredible experience with you today. So, I won’t say too much about myself but I’m just a normal young woman working in IT,
I live in France, and I play music I make music, I sing and play the guitar and the piano, and I compose some songs that I publish under the name of Nevae. I will put the link out there.
And I’ve been feeling stuck for many years stuck in my own indecision stuck in a mask of rejection and sadness and I got to this point where I I felt I had to do something extreme to wake me up and take control over my life to make it
More more satisfying and and more valuable so that’s how I decided to experience Ayahuasca. Ayahuasca is a brew, it’s a plant medicine that is traditionally used by indigenous folks in Amazon forests. So it’s a mix of different plants I wouldn’t be able to explain more
About that but the psychoactive element is the DMT. And it’s very very powerful. It’s hard to describe the effects that it can have on you because it’s quite unpredictable, but if you’ve tried LSD or psylocybin you could say the psychedelic effects could
Be similar, although I think it reaches your Consciousness in a different way, alhough I haven’t tried psylocybin, and I only tried a very small dose of LSD. So it was the very first time for me that I experienced a big dose of psychoactive
Substance and it was like a roller coaster, like I jumped into an ocean of emotions, fears, memories, but also wisdom and also craziness. Craziness of the visions I saw, which were also sometimes very beautiful, and yeah, a very deep meditative state or sometimes
Like psychosis, but in the end, when it calmed down it was always much better and an invitation for meditation and calmness. So, you better be prepared to get scared but it’s worth it, really. I chose to do this retreat with Inner Mastery in Switzerland because it was close to where I live
And it was like 10 days ahead of the retreat so it was just there calling me. But there are many many many ways to do this experience. You can either find one in Europe in some countries where Ayahuasca is legal. So Inner Mastery have a lot of retreats in different countries,
It’s quite a big organization so they they know their process, I would say it’s a very safe way to to do this experience to go with them, but there are other other organizations I guess. And also you can do this with a private facilitato, if you can find some contacts,
Otherwise you can go to South America, Peru or some countries around the Amazon forests, and there you can have the ancestral, traditional shamanic experience, if that’s something you’re interested in. For me I think it was better to start with a a known cultural environment
With people I feel I can identify myself with, and it was safer in that way because I think the shamanic rituals from South America might add to the scary of the experience, so my advice would be to to stay in a safe zone if it’s your first experience. I’ll be
Putting a link below for a website where you can find many retreats, it’s uh Retreat.guru. So my retreat with Inner Mastery lasted six evenings or seven days, it was a special New Year’s Eve Retreat because usually retreats last three to four days I think.
Some people came for one evening or two or three evenings so it’s very flexible, depending on how long you want to stay in that environment. So around 6:00 p.m, we had a light snack because you shouldn’t eat too much before taking the Ayahuasca, then we
Had a de-preparation session where we shared our intentions, we listen to music and they explained about Ayahuasca and what we should expect or not expect. And then we took Ayahuasca around 10:00 p.m. and we placed some mattresses in a big room so we were all together in the same room,
And that’s a good thing because you don’t want to be alone when you’re tripping with Ayahuasca. And the trip lasted between 4 to 6 hours well with the normal dose, but if you take less then I think
It can last less time, and longer if you take more, and after the trip you might experience a meditative state that will continue during the night, at least that was the case for me. And then you can sleep, and the next morning there was a breakfast and then integration session,
So sharing everyone’s experience – everyone who was comfortable sharing it – and we even had some kind of collective healing sessions which were very amazing and then lunch. And basically that was every day like that, and every day was very different, because people were different,
People were evolving and we were connecting with each other in such a beautiful way. So for me uh doing the six days were was very the six nights was very importan. I don’t think I would have had the same experience if I if I had only a few days, because I really needed
That time to integrate, connect with people, feel like myself, and also process what I experienced, and all the thoughts that came to my mind, all the new things that emerged from my consciousness. So now I’m going to tell you more about the different sessions that I had. I had only four
Sessions where I took Ayahuasca because I needed two other evenings to process and rest also. The first session was crazy, it was where I had to lose control, because I wasn’t comfortable with that state, I wasn’t prepared – but you you can never really be prepared the first time. And yeah,
I never had a psychedelic experience, meaning I never had visions, so it was the first time and I felt like I was going crazy and I was so scared of getting stuck in that state,
And I had to throw up a few times and then after the purge, I started seeing the meditative state coming which was very reassuring, much better. And I started processing the visions that I had
And it had to do with the material world and my attachment, my fears of insecurity. And I got to understand and to feel to really feel like I was nothing, I was nothing like nothing really matter
Matters in the material world. And not that I’m going to give up on my own existence, but yeah, I was so deeply scared of my material condition and after that first session, I feel already that I’m a bit more detached with that, if you can relate to that. And also I got
To get in touch with my inner voice, you know the little voice in my head, and I feel like I I can finally listen to it whenever I want because it was like it was shut down for 20 years, or
Something. So yeah that was very powerful, to be able to hear myself, hear my thoughts. And yeah, just for that one session it was so worth it. I could barely sleep afterwards because my mind
Was so active, but I didn’t feel so tired in the end, I could sleep maybe 3 hours before going to breakfast. And then during integration it was amazing, we had this exercise where we chose a
Partner and we looked into each other’s eyes and tell our partner what it is that we feel that is uncomfortable sometimes and he / she would respond something to calm this down, something that that can balance that feeling. And it was very healing to look into someone’s eyes, and be looked also,
Be seen. And then I had the chance to be chosen for a collective healing. Well first I was invited to sing with one of the facilitator who who sang a lot of songs, and he knew that I was singing,
And he invited me, he played some guitar and I improvised. And then he placed me in the center of the room, eyes closed and everyone put their hand on m, and I started crying so much because it was
The first time I felt seen and understood, and I could express my emotions and everyone welcoming them and not judging them. It was a gift, it was really a gift. So yeah, after that first session I guess I felt much more open and curious to keep going, although during the first trip I
Promised myself to never take Ayahuasca again, but then I was I was curious to keep going. Then for the second second session, I was invited by the facilitators to play music if I wanted to and I decided to take only a half dose of Ayahuasca because I felt so tired and I wasn’t
Ready to have the same experience, same intense intensity than the first session, and I had a very unpleasant experience on the second day. I was seeing all these people throwing up and in pain, and I went paranoid with that image like people are here to suffer, to be miserable and maybe
The organizers are enjoying it, so like going crazy with my own fears, and doubting everything, doubting the process, doubting what I saw on the first day. And yeah it’s like my survival instinct awoken and didn’t want me to change, you know, didn’t want me to question my whole life so I
Left after playing a bit trying to trying to stay with them, but I had to to leave the room and go to sleep and I yeah I had some sleep. And then the next day I felt a little bit more calm and I
Wanted to question that mistrust, so I went to one of the facilitators that I felt I could trust and I explained what happened in my head the night before, and he said that it was normal that he
Had felt the same way when he did the retreats eight years before, and that it’s just my mind resisting the change, and he told me I didn’t need the substance if I didn’t want to take it,
That I could just take time, take my time. So I decided to trust and keep going, give myself time, especially as other people who shared during integration were saying good things about their experience even though I saw them miserable, still they got good things from their sessions.
On the third night I decided not to use Ayahuasca, I wanted to reconnect with myself and make sure I could trust the process, and also connect with other people and their experience. Because during the integration session, they offered to try the San Pedro which is a cactus,
And we went out to walk and also swim in the lake, during winter. It was amazing and that substance really opened my heart to the people of the retreat, it was like a bubble of love. So that really helped me gain trust in the process and I really wanted to keep that
State with me during the following night, so it was a great night where I could also play music with the facilitators, and be present with the other people who were experiencing Ayahuasca, and I really enjoyed that night. And then the next day I was so happy to see people
Starting to transform in front of my eyes, like there was a guy who came with so much anger and he was starting to be so lovely and peaceful and open, and that really inspired me to continue the
Journey. And someone told me how much my presence was useful to them, that was heartwarming also. So I was trusting the process again, trusting this retreat and I decided to get a full dose for the fourth night, which was the night of the truth (laughing) or at least that was my intention.
First, during the beginning of the trip I was trying to control the effects I was telling myself I was a river and I could I could get wherever I wanted with that substance, so I was choosing
Consciously to see the beauty. I was like telling myself I can choose to see only the beauty and I saw many things it was like a like a movie – many scenes in my “third eye”, when I closed my eyes
I saw so many colors, shapes, beautiful things and it was an infinite display of this. And at some point I got tired of it, I was like “okay maybe I’m not going to get anything from that,
It’s beautiful but it’s not really helping me” so I was ready to see the truth, and I consciously chose to welcome it and anything that would come to me that would be useful and truthful. So I started feeling connected to something, something bigger, like a source of energy and maybe it will
Sound crazy to you. It seems crazy for me too but yeah, I felt it and it doesn’t matter to me if it was just my imagination. I felt like we were all a big family there connected to the same source,
And I looked at people around me, the role they were playing in that family, the role they were playing with me, and I started understanding what is our existence about. I don’t want to say too much about this because it’s very spiritual and personal, and I don’t want to be stigmatized with
My spiritual beliefs, which are 100% homemade, cause I don’t belong to any religion and I don’t support religions. I support only my own beliefs which I like to believe, and is useful to me in
And only to me. And I very much encourage you to also have that openness to your own beliefs and your own vision of life and the universe and yeah. And after that very spiritual awakening I would say, I started being very scared of my human condition, I felt how much I didn’t want
To be human but had to. My first intention before even taking the Ayahuasca, and that I wrote on the paper was “I can feel through my whole being”. So I remembered that, I remembered I was there
To feel, to get back in touch with my sensations as a human, and as a woman especially, because I lived my life either like a child or like a mother to other people. So yeah, it was the time for me
To understand what it was to be a woman, and for maybe 2 hours I was dealing with the incapacity to stand up, literally. I couldn’t stand up, it was like being a baby, you don’t understand where you
Are, like a newborn baby, not understanding where I was, why I was here, and didn’t know how to use my body, didn’t know how to stand up, and for the first time I was expressing all of that in front
Of everyone, and they were very supportive in their own way. And there was this guy who offered to help me walk, help me get up, but I knew I had to do it myself, but still he was very present
For me, so I’m very grateful. And eventually I managed to get up and walk to the toilet and get some water because I was so thirsty. This night was a big one and the next day,
I finally felt like a woman, I finally accepted people looking at me as a woman. I even sang some of my songs I wanted to share, even though my songs were very depressing, but it was very
Heartwarming to get people around me to listen to me, as someone who who deals with social anxiety and is very scared of people’s attention. And there I was, welcoming that attention and crying after each song. And I think during the night I unlocked some sensations. It’s like my body
Was disconnected from my emotions, and I started feeling pain in my solar plexus. And I think I understood there that I was feeling guilty about joy, like I wasn’t allowing myself to feel joy. And so, that was my intention for the fifth session, to choose joy and I used it as a mantra,
Repeating myself “I can choose joy” and I used only half a dose of Ayahuasca that night, but still it was super powerful and I started saying some mantras out loud. Like first for myself and then for the group, until I reached such a high level of delusion (laughing), I was
Like “we can choose anything, we can be anything, we are the universe, we are one, we are …”. Not that I think that’s not true, but I went way too far in escaping existence, escaping my reality,
Cause I was hoping that I could shut it down, I wanted to escape that pain that I was feeling, rather than trying to feel Joy, trying to bring joy into my life. And at one moment I got very
Self-conscious, and I was like oh my God that’s just my ego and it was a roller coaster again between my ego and being super guilty about that and guilty about the mantras I shared with the
Whole room and like “oh my God people are going to judge me” or to hate me for disrupting their experience. And then I felt so alone for an hour or two, and I was like almost self-destructive
Because I wanted to sleep alone like I didn’t deserve the group to support me, and it was raining outside, very loud on the window, and that’s where I was so scared and crying. And I
Had to go back to the room and that’s actually the first night I slept with the group in the room, because most of the people were sleeping in that room and not going back to their own bedrooms,
And it was such a relief, even though everyone was sleeping or still tripping. It was such a relief to feel their presence and there I really started understanding that I could choose to feel loved, seen, appreciated and to let the joy in. So, I ended up having a good night after that painful
Experience. And so the next day I felt so connected with this group, with everyone, like we could see through each other’s mask and be ourselves in the most beautiful way, and I was so joyful for the first time in my life. So much trust and I felt so healed from
My anxieties, from my fears of other people, of their judgment, it was like I was reborn really and I really wanted to live that day, and since then I really want to live so that’s great.
So for the sixth night – the last one – I decided not to take Ayahuasca I wanted to make sure that I could stay in that state of joy and love, and appreciate the moment, the now and also
I wanted to have proof that I could reach that state without Ayahuasca, and connect with people in the same beautiful way that I had been able to connect with them after Ayahusca. So yeah,
It was a very very good session for me, because I felt I had a lot of things already to process, a lot of elements to think about, to evolve around. And also I could just enjoy that night musically,
And it was the best night, the best night for me, I could play music with the facilitators, I even played two songs with the guitar and I reached a state of expression that I had never never never in my life experienced, before because I improvised, I even used some mantras
To send people messages through the music. And I really got to understand what it is to tune, the tuning, it really came to life for me that night. Tuning into the connection with people, tuning into the music, tuning into my sensations, my emotions, and basically feeling alive. Feeling
Alive and feeling like myself, my true self. So it was beautiful, and I was feeling so grateful, so thankful, so happy, so whole. And then the next day was the last day, where everyone was packing and feeling weird like with the apprehension of going back to normal life day-to-day life. I was
Scared that I would never be the same as before but also excited, excited to meet myself again in this normal world. And how I would look into people’s eyes and be maybe disappointed that we cannot share that, or or maybe finding out that I can share that with anyone I want to.
And it was also the time to say Goodbye with the facilitators, who I really felt connected to after this six nights, and other participants who I connected very deeply with. Yeah, that’s it, that were my six nights seven days at this Inner Mastery retreat for the New Year’s.
So to recap if maybe you weren’t patient enough to go through all the sessions, what I feel I unlocked during the retreat is I started this work of letting go of my need to control my life, to control my security. I started detaching from material aspects that don’t serve my life,
That don’t serve my joy, and it’s going to be a long way, I know, after after I came back to my normal life I know that I still have a lot to work on. So it’s not just a magic pill the Ayahuasca,
It’s just like opening doors for me. Also I think what was really important is I unidentified with pain because I thought, I deeply thought unconsciously, that I was just meant to feel pain, to suffer and now I know I can choose. I can choose to detach from the suffering
And the pain. And also I got to feel and see my beliefs, my spiritual beliefs come alive in a personal way that maybe I will share another time. And I also feel like I changed the mask
That I had been living with all my life until now. I think now I changed my mask. I believe we still need a mask to keep living our life and confront with the world and the society,
But yeah, I believe we can we can choose a mask, if we manage to detach from the previous one. And also on a more physical level I reconnected with my sensations, even the most basic ones. I feel
I can support myself, I can support my body, I can support my physical needs because it used to be very hard for me to even do that, to even stand up, get up from my bed in the morning. So,
Now I feel ready to really live and take action and yeah, that’s a big thing for me, to accept my Human condition and even feel thankful for it for the first time. But there are risks I believe to do that experience with Ayahuasca.
I think you can get deep into psychosis if you don’t have the support of other people, if you pick the wrong organization, or if you don’t have enough time to process and have a few more sessions to dig into it, and learn to go with the substance, because it can be
Very scary during the first times and even third time. And then it gets much better. So yeah, I would recommend that you really make the space for it, because it’s not just going to solve everything in one night, and it might even wake up a lot of suffering a lot of memories or
Traumas and you need time to process them, to integrate them and to connect with people also, because you might arrive in that retreat and be scared of the people who are already experienced, and feel disconnected to them. So you need time to connect,
You need time to get used used to the substance, to get used to that meditative state, to trust the process and trust yourself and trust everyone around you. And also there’s a risk with some medicines that you may take, so make sure with the
Organizers that it’s safe for you to be under treatment and take the Ayahuasca. And also another advice would be to choose the right type of retreat for you, something balanced, not too short, not too long, and know that you don’t have to take the Ayahuasca every
Day if you don’t feel like it, and get some some things with you that bring you comfort, whether that is books or Netflix or whatever. Something that can comfort you during uh difficult times, when you feel lonely or lost, but make sure not to be distracted by all these things.
Especially I would recommend to not use your phone and uninstall the social network apps, because that would just be a distraction for you to really process what the retreat can bring you. So to finish this experience feedback of my first Retreat six 6 days retreat with Inner Mastery,
Which is an international organization around plant medicine and inner evolution. To me it was a very very good experience with them. The facilitators were amazing, very patient, very aware, self-aware also. And the place where we were was not what I expected because usually
I think it’s meant to happen in nature, maybe in a house uh with a lot of trees and around nature. There it was a special place I would say, there were some industrial buildings around but still
We could access nature easily and that lake that we swam in. And the food was amazing, it was vegan and vegetarian and I think one night there was some chicken – for those who are not vegetarian.
And the music was really great because there was this facilitator was so joyful, and shared a lot of that joy through his songs with the guitar, and he sang very well, and also all the other facilitators were playing handpan, guitar, singing also, and some percussions , drums.
And the participants were so lovely, there were a lot of people who already had one or two retreats before, so it was great to be with people who were already experienced and they were already so open, open-minded, openhearted, so it made everything easier for me to connect and to trust. So that’s
Important in my opinion to know that there will be people like that in this kind of retreat. And the way that it’s organized with the de-programming sessions and then the integration sessions after the night, it’s perfect. It’s a perfect way to process without feeling lonely and without feeling
Small either, because it it feels like everyone plays a role for each other and even with the facilitators. They were not putting themselves in a superior position, they were very humble, very kind and very open with their own process, because they are also in a process. They are
More experienced, much more experienced yes, but they are still evolving and they know it, and they are not um putting themselves in a guide position, like, they’re not forcing it. You can see them as a guide if you want, but they won’t force it on you, you know. So, that was great,
I feel it was the right one for me and I was so scared before going there, I was like “maybe it’s a cult, maybe they will ask for more money, or maybe even they will hurt me” but yeah,
Not at all. They just raised me, they raised me to a much higher version of myself. They helped me so much and I’m very grateful, very very grateful. And as for the price, I would say for seven days with accommodation and food and such great facilitators, and all the love and the joy
Of that place, of the people there, it was a very good price. Even though I didn’t use everything, maybe I skipped some meals, I skipped some Ayahuasca sessions – I mean the substance – but
Yeah it was so worth it for me. I think it was the best investment I made in my life, and now I want to go again, I want to go back and continue the process, because as I said
It’s not going to solve everything in just one retreat, and you have to materialize the understandings that you get during the retreat into your everyday life and make the changes in your life to align with that understanding and and that new version of yourself. So yeah,
I definitely recommend Inner Mastery to have this experience. It might not be the same in every country, from what I’ve heard. It might not be the same depending on the facilitators that you get, and depending on the place, the environment and the people who participate. But you can choose,
You can choose to make the most of it I believe, if you don’t focus on on the few things that bother you and if you really focus on what you want to learn and how much you want to evolve
And become the best version of yourself. So yeah, that’s my feedback and I never thought I would ever record a feedback, an audio feedback about an experience in my life (laughing) and now I feel
Like I can write a book because I have so much to tell about this and that’s only a quick preview. Maybe I will write a book, so if you want if you want to stay tuned about that you can click on
The follow button, subscribe. Maybe not, I don’t know but I want to try writing a book. And also what I’m very grateful about is the confidence that I gained with music with my music and that
I came to understand that I can put joy in it, because I used to think I was only good for expressing depression, and now I know I can express joy through my music and I really want
To share to share that joy through music. So I decided I’m going to try to make some kind of shamanic music next, and I’m excited about that. I really want to share some messages that I got from
The Ayahuasca sessions and some love, some joy. And it’s also a way for me to reconnect to it, reconnect to the love and the joy, because I know if I don’t, I’m going to lose a little of that
Connection. I already noticed how easy it is to forget, how easy it is to to go back to everyday life and that robot behavior of not feeling things and just acting like an automatic mode. So, thank you for listening, thank you for having that curiosity,
And I really hope that can help you in any way, help you decide if you want to do this retreat and maybe choose Inner Mastery which I highly recommend. And I hope you you get to the best version of what you can even imagine about yourself.
So don’t hesitate if you have any questions or if you want to share your own experience with Ayahuasca, or with Inner Mastery’s retreats. And also stay tuned if you want to hear my shamanic music (laughing), whenever it I can release it. Also don’t hesitate to share your own music,
I would love to connect musically with people who are on this journey. Yeah, thank you so much, bye.
== TIMELINE ==
00:00:00 Introduction
00:01:22 A few things about myself
00:02:06 The effects of Ayahuasca
00:02:51 The effects I got
00:04:03 How I chose my retreat
00:06:34 The course of this retreat
00:10:31 My ayahuasca sessions
00:10:50 First session: Waking up my inner voice
00:16:56 Second session: Mistrust
00:21:02 Thirst session: Learning to trust (without Ayahuasca)
00:23:43 Fourth session: Awakening
00:33:10 Fifth session: Rebirth
00:39:32 Sixth session: Pure joy (without Ayahuasca)
00:45:06 What I unlocked through the retreat
00:49:42 The risks and my advice
00:56:52 My opinion on Inner Mastery
01:03:58 Future plans?
01:06:53 Thank you
I missed a lot of things when I recorded this experience feedback.
So, don’t hesitate to ask in the comments if you have any question, or to share your own experience 🙂
You can search for an Ayahuasca retreat here : https://retreats.guru/
Or directly with Inner Mastery :
– Switzerland only : https://swiss.innermastery.eu/
– Rest of Europe : https://innermastery.eu/
You can listen to my music on my artist channel @nevaemusic
Or on all streaming platforms (Spotify etc) :
https://distrokid.com/hyperfollow/nevae
Thank you.